Some about my earlier days...

I suppose I've always basically been a loner.  I had friends, but few were close.  Or that I allowed to get close.  One or two at a time, usually. 

I had a good family, grew up on the Bayou Tech country in south Louisiana on the outskirts of a small town.  Mom would take us to the library, which smelled of old books and I would escape into the world of the plantation days or ghost stories...Loved that small library.  Went back not long ago and it was no longer there, such is time.

We rode bikes all the way to the small country airport which was across from a small plantation looking home, acres of property, fenced in.  Weren't allowed on the airport grounds, of course, but there wasn't much else we didn't explore.  We made make believe houses out of the sugar cane when we weren't eating them on my best friend's back wharf on the bayou.  We'd go get her mom's small cutting knives and we knew that the darkest part of the cane was the sweetest which was near the roots.  The newer part of the cane, on the top, was bitter.  You have to cut the outside layer, like a cucumber, and inside is the sweet fiber which you cut into long sticks, like a carrot. MMMM  We did this until our OTHER neighbor's mom told us that the sugarcane workers told her we had to stay out, it was private property; we'd done this for years before we were told not to.

I learned to drive with our green bug Volkswagen all over the roads in the cane field, and we'd have that radio blaring.  No, no parent with us, my dad just LET me go!  Took the neighbors for a thrilling ride, we thought we were somethin'.

Where we lived, there were only a few houses at the time.  There was a home of girls across the street on the bayou, and on the side of our house, another family of girls.  I have a lot of regrets about my handling of my friends in those days.  If any of you are reading this, please forgive me.  Because of my own insecurities, I didn't play fair, let's just say that.  I wanted everyone to like ME, not befriend someone else MORE than me.  So I know I've hurt some of them during those times.  Yes, I was young.  But still.

There were huge oak trees all over our near acre property which stood in front of these acres and acres of cane fields.  Had brothers and sisters to play with, good neighbors, we were always imaginative and having fun.  Never heard my parents argue, we ate well, was provided for...

All that to say, this...then WHY did I end up feeling unloved, unwanted, ugly, and thought everyone hated me by the time I turned 14-ish? I was never abused by anyone, but I felt rejected. 

By the time I was a senior in high school, we'd moved about 30 minutes away because of my dad's new job, to a larger town.

Meeting new people, it was awful.  I was SO shy, so tormented that I seldom if ever smiled unless I was with a close friend.  Around the 10th grade, when I was alone, I would cry out, "Oh God, PLEASE change me!! PLEASE change me! I can't live like this anymore, I don't want to be me, I want to change!"  I didn't know what to do about it.  I didn't know I could find peace and acceptance through Christ.  We were raised Catholic but I never had any of my prayers answered except one:  when I'd prayed when we lived in Colorado for a rosary and someone gifted me one.  But when I would pray to Mary, no prayers were ever answered, and I grew tired of saying the same thing over and over on the rosary.

I'd tried so hard when I was around 9 years old to be good, like Saint Theresa, after I'd read a book about her.  But after 3 days, I failed with my childish sins and knew I could never be good enough to be a saint like her.

Everyone loved my mom; she was also from the same area we lived in but next town over, along the bayou. She was friendly, fun, high school sweet heart, homecoming queen....well, try to live up to THAT!  lol  All my friends wanted to be around HER, I felt more than me, but I couldn't blame them.  I wasn't much fun in my own estimation, right?  They all wanted her to be THEIR mom.  She's been living with us since 2009, helping out with me during my long health issues and now lives out in apartment behind our house, back in her own hometown areas, what a blessing she's been to each of her kids, I tell ya.

Ok, where was I going with this.

Oh yeah...let's cut to it...By the time I was in the twelfth grade, I found the Lord! And he's brought me through trial after trial, like a school, till when I take the test, I pass it, then onto the next class....It never ends.  :)  I think I wrote in another post how that came about...

*sigh* enough for now....If you have any questions, or if I've left something out, write in the comments and I'll try to get to that.